Just when I think my world can't get any crazier, last week/weekend is proof that I should stop thinking. Or according to Acceptance and Commitment Theory, I should accept that I'm having that thought, and accept that just because I think it, doesn't mean it's true. -Thank you Dr. Adams.- Because my world got crazier.
I'd rather not post out here on the internet my terrifying and deeply painful experiences of the week/weekend but, rather, I'd like to focus on the gems of truth that have come from these experiences. Especially one of them (number 7), because it hints at hope, pleads for faith and loving action...
Number one. Your word can be everything. I made a promise to someone this weekend. And I went to great lengths to keep to it. It made it worth it to go through the aftermath that keeping my word left me.
Number two. Just because you think it, doesn't mean it's real. This reminds me of a song Allidor taught me, "this isn't real, it's just all you can feel, and that's the way that feelings go." Luckily, as a psych fanatic, I have come to embrace this truth in my core and the knowledge rescued me and moved me to some very important and timely actions this weekend. It could have been more tragic than it was.
Number three. Sunshine. Makes. A. Huge. Difference. I have tried to spend at LEAST 3 hours in direct sunlight. I wear black just to soak in more of it. I get my homework done, people-watch, and feel hugs from the sky. And glare at the clouds when they block it. However, today when I felt the sun go behind a cloud, I looked up at that cloud to snarl and growl... quite literally, I did. And then I saw something through my sun glasses... a rainbow surrounding the cloud in a big circle around the sun. It is rare that I see rainbows in clouds. I layed on my back and enjoyed the rainbow cloud until the sun came back. No one else saw it, it was too bright to see without sunglasses. Here, I took a picture. Rainbows are even better than a silver lining.
Number four. Wednesday is a very long ways away from thursday.
Number five. This one I'm not entirely sold on, but I am investigating the possibility of perhaps letting another half of me consider it: I belong here. I am NEEDED here. And my future is full of that truth as well. I know some of you are going to read this and maybe feel sad for me and comment... well you can if you'd like... but you're probably not going to say anything that this skeptical half of me hasn't already heard. I appreciate concern, but it really has nothing to do with anyone else, so don't feel obligated. I'm not fishing for validation. I'm just being honest.
Number six. Just because I slipped up (even if it was pretty bad), does NOT mean that I AM a slip up. In fact, Christ can make it work out for my benefit so long as I go to him with it. (not that it doesn't matter what I do, it most definitely does. But after the fact, and when there's no way to take it back, it doesn't matter, Christ heals it and makes it work.). I remind myself of the Brother of Jared in my prayers lately (but much more serious and reverent) , "uh..... here are my rocks... that's all I got. But if you touch them, I bet you can make them light up my vessel in the dark stormy sea. But, rocks is all I got. I'm not smart enough to invent electricity. Even if you laid the plans out in front of me, I couldn't understand the concepts let alone actually create a light bulb. You asked me to go try to conquer my challenges (a dark boat) and I came back sheepishly, knowing I'm not very smart... comparatively, Lord. So, I did the best I could, I honestly did, and I have this rock for you to work with. So, my idea and understanding sucks, but I know you can still work with me here, because you are just that good." Yep. I feel like a rock of a person... I always felt bad for Peter when Jesus said, "We'll call you 'Rock'."...how flattering...
Number seven. I need a special friend. One on this side of the veil that gets it. We all have struggles, and when you are close to Christ, Christ can bridge the gap of understanding and help us to be there empathetically for another who is going through something we don't understand. But there is something so raw, so rare, and so...so special in finding someone that is going through something very simiar to you. It's like one of my favorite quotes, "Friendship is born at the moment that one person says to the other, 'hey, you too? I thought I was the only one!" I'm really lonely, and I am LONGING, ACHING for a special kind of friend that only God can choose. It's not up to the person. It wouldn't be a person's choice to understand what I understand. In fact, I'm sorry that they understand what I understand; it's not very fun to learn.
There happens to be this guy I know. This guy whom I see on a very regular basis who just lost his other half, suddenly, without much warning. And She was too young to die. Too beautiful to leave us here. He knows what it feels like to hear the doctor tell you bad news and to not want to hear it or wish you could just fix it, or pray it to reverse, or to feel that if you thought a certain way, or prayed with the right words, you could make a difference. He knows what it feels like to wonder if this is going to be your last moment with her. He knows what it feels like to sit in limbo of wondering if you should be focusing on hope or the hurt, the latest chance for survival, or bracing for loss. He knows what it's like to not sleep, to stay up all night by her bedside just looking at her. He knows what it's like to do anything for her, even beyond what she would ever, in a million years, ask for. He knows what it's like to have dreams of what they were going to do together dashed in a prognosis. He knows, MAN! He Knows! He knows what it is like to be angry at the way things are turning out. Sad and mad at the facts that there are things she won't get to do, things that she's dreamed her whole life to do, and her body wouldn't let her. He knows she taught him how to see the world differently and what a gift that is, and how you just want to share it with everyone. He knows what it's like to lose half of you, without warning, too young, too beautiful and wonder how you are going to make it sometimes. Well, so do I.
There are, of course, some differences between our experiences, but we are more in a similar place than we are in different ones. My fear is that he'll see those differences and think that I wish to imagine that we are the same, that I could possibly understand Exactly what he's going through. I can't. And I don't wish that. My other fear is that I will see the differences and conclude that I really am incapable at handling the challenges of life, and maybe he'll see that and try to help me like a caretaker instead of two hurting friends. And maybe my problems are nothing to anyone else. Maybe no one will understand how it is so painful and hard and heart shredding for me too. I worry I'll be hurting him more than helping to bring my own similar pain into the arena that's already full of the pain. I worry I'm too intense and I'm gonna blow it. My greatest fear is that I'll be alone and I'll never find that special friend.
What to do about this special friend...??? It's kinda a big deal to me. It's not so easy for me to just talk to people about stuff that needs to be talked about. Maybe I don't have to talk just yet. Maybe I can just be around him more for starters. That's doable. He asked me, sincerely, how I was doing a couple days ago, and I told him I didn't want to talk about it. But that was a lie. I wanted to talk to HIM about it very very much. So I added a second later, "But maybe later." I'm a scardy-cat, that's what I am. I'm a... a rock. God, I know you can, but will you just touch this rock that is me so I can shine long enough to shed some light on this potential special friendship?
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