You know when someone asks you a really important question and you respond eloquently with a "uhhh... I don't know." and then as soon as you leave them, you find the guts to say what you actually DO know, even if it's not a lot? That happened to me today. So the cool thing about blogs is that I can recreate the situation and play it out differently, even if only in my mind.
I drew a picture and I wanted to share it with someone, so I took it to campus with me. Why did I want to show it? It is NOT because it is good. Although, I am happy with it. I don't, really don't want to share it with just anyone. It's too special, to close to my heart. I wanted to share it with this person on campus because she shared something with me through words and I wanted to return the favor through a language I think can speak from the heart much better. So I go and I show it. And she says it's good, and I'm so talented. Everyone says that, "Jill you are so talented!" as if I have something that others don't. Maybe I am talented, but maybe my heart just has so much to say and it doesn't get a say too often, so when it finally gets some attention, it really pays attention to how it expresses itself. Maybe that's why all the famous artists suffered with depression or other psychological disorders. ANYWAY, she said "That is very good, you are so talented!" But that's not what I wanted. I wanted her to see something in it, and it wasn't talent I wanted her to see.
It was my heart, but she was too busy to linger long enough to find it. Or if she saw it, she couldn't pay it much attention right then - it had been a crazy day at work for her. Instead she went out of her office and called other people over to look at it. I didn't really want that, but I couldn't do much about it without being rude and distrustful to people who have stewardship over me. Echhh... But I should have said, "Connie, I actually just wanted to share this with just you right now because it's a very personal picture to me and I just wanted to show you that I appreciate your friendship and trust you with a piece of my heart." That's what I really wanted to say.
Instead, I showed the other people, feeling very sheepish, like a show off... whether they saw me that way or not, that was not my intent; it was Connie's. She was trying to make me feel good and loved. But instead I felt trapped, unseen, embarrassed, and a little confused. I couldn't wait to get out of there. Sad, "I had that going... differently in my mind" (Hitch). But before I could go, one of the other people I showed my picture asked me, "Why are you studying psychology instead of art?" I said something like, "Um... because I like it." but what I wanted to say was. "Sir, I am a Hartist. I am an artist of the heart and I can think of nothing more artistic than to love people. and That is why I am NOT studying Psychology INSTEAD of art. I am actually studying both, sir." Something like that would have taken them all aback, but it would have been what I really think and feel. Oh boy what people would think of me if I said what I really felt and thought. It reminds me of that exchange in National Treasure "I just want to know if it's not just in my head or in my heart." "No one talks like that anymore, you know?" "I know, but they think that way." Maybe I should say what I actually think, sometimes. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad. Maybe it would just be me, Jill. Maybe Jill is okay to share sometimes. Maybe more often. Maybe.
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Clinging to a Fox Red Golden State of Mind
So there were a few very meaningful thoughts and experiences that have kept me going today.
1. A professor, one that happens to be one of my most influential mentors not only in my discipline, but in my personal life as well, asked for some input about the topic of dating at BYU. I sent him some feedback from my residents and my own commentary. I didn't think much of it, and I didn't think he would either. I got an email back from him saying that I had "excellent commentary" and "good work" and told me that he was very thankful. There is absolutely nothing like having someone you admire and look up to so much tell you that you've done well and that he is also thankful for you. For a good solid three hours I think my heart was soaring. I will do well to recognize when others look up to me so I can do the same for them and mean it as I believe this particular person meant it.
2. I learned something about Gar today. She IS a yellow labrador. I knew that of course, but I learned that there is a special name for her shade on the "yellow spectrum." Most people ask about her breed because of her extremely dark coat, pink nose, and white spot on her chest. We reply, "She's a yellow lab, just a real rare one that just happened to be really dark and exceptionally cuter than any other one." And usually people don't believe us that she's purebred. But she is. I know for a fact she is. She's got tons of paperwork from Guide Dogs for the Blind - who are extremely particular about their breeding and pedigrees.
Today I learned that Yellow labs are on a spectrum: cream (often called white, but AKC is strictly particular that it is called 'cream', in fact they seemed rather peeved that 'uneducated public' call it 'white'. ;) which made me laugh because it bugs me also when people say 'golden labs' cuz there is no such thing. guess I'm an educated dog snob.), light yellow, yellow, dark yellow, and drummmm roooolllll... Fox red. Gar is a Fox Red Yellow Labrador. She is NOT a Yellow Labrador. She's a Fox Red Yellow Labrador. Now, I am excited about this for several reasons. One, uh.... FOX red. Fox happens to be my favorite animal. Two, I now have a name for my favorite color in nature. I always called it, the color of Gar (but some poor souls have never met her and so have no reference) or the color the sun turns the world at that certain time of evening I call Golden Time. Now I can call it Fox Red Golden Time. That's my favorite color. oh... my girl. She is my favorite everything.
You know what I miss most right now as I sit with a foot of snow outside my window, and more flakes coming down? I miss sitting in the sun with my fox red Gar gar at golden time. This is our favorite passtime over the summer. just sitting and watching the turkey vultures circle, the squirrels play, the trees sway and the wind roll over the hills, the mockingbirds singing and the cicadas buzzing and the fireflies as golden time moves above the trees. Sometimes James the guitar would join us. Sometimes cheese and home-grown tomato sandwhiches on wheat bread and mom would join us. Those moments. They were the moments I knew just how loved of God I was and I was warm inside and out. This is what I spent my last moments with Gar doing before I left. It was one of two days that the sun ever showed its face over the break. Thank you God for giving me that perfect last day, cause it was so so so hard to go.
The memories of those moments are what I try to immerse myself in while I lie in bed and freeze and get up and freeze and walk to school and freeze in the snow and ice. What I try to immerse myself in when I can't feel the love and my insides feel cold and lonely and hurting. What I cling to when I sit on the edge of my bed and try to remember why I'm choosing to get up. When I miss it all too much to find meaning in now, it convinces me to try to find peace in a moment of now. When I lie awake all night trying to calm my mind, It seems to rock me to sleep. It's like a Fox Red Golden state of mind. Oh Gar Gar, oh sunshine, oh golden times, I miss you. Although you are always with me and our hearts are always connected somehow, I still feel the tug and stretching on my heart over the distance.
3. You don't need to read this, I just had to write it out. It'll probably be jibberish to you. I spent almost three hours studying this talk by Elder Eyering that he gave to a conference of CES educators. I had a HUGE Ah HA moment. I was analyzing the talk from a Hermeneuticist perspective and trying to see how this way of seeing the world fit in with the church. I have always tried to put the two ideas together but I was missing a way to articulate the difference between what I believe is reality and what I believe is truth. You see. I hold personally a type of post-modern Kantian Hermeneutic view of epistemology and metaphysics. But when I explain these ideas to others in the church, I am met with fierce opposition, even angry and biting words. People mistake my ideas for a dangerous relativism- but it is not. But I couldn't quite articulate how it wasn't relativism until some personal insight while analyzing this talk "Thus we see."
You would be amazed at how much grief this problem has caused me at BYU. People have questioned my testimony, saying that I don't believe in an attainable absolute truth and therefore cannot possibly believe in God. One person told me that it was people that thought like me that left and eventually tried to destroy the church. OUch! Christ's doctrine and His church are everything to me! So I just stopped sharing my passionate and unique perspective of life and the mysteries of God, except with a few understanding proffessors who share a few similar to mine and taught me the ways of non-linear time and relational epistemology. Now I have found a way to articulate it and I get so excited about it that I almost shake and just have to share it. I called my mom and told her everything. I'm sure half of it went over her head and the other half she could have cared less about. But it felt good to share my insight with someone. I know, looking back on the past two paragraphs I can imagine I lost you at "Hermenuticist perspective." I. Am. A. Philosophical psychology nerd. Yep.
But you know what? I'm not ashamed. Most people search their whole lives trying to find that niche and subject that they can really get into. I found it two years ago and it has been two years of insightful constant ah hah mind-blown bliss. Also, Philosophy means Love of Knowledge. Philo - knowledge. sophia - love. Yep. I'm head over heels for knowledge. It's hopeless, I can't stop craving it. I'm so blessed. I've got a wonderful case of Philosophia. I think I'd like to name a cat or dog that someday. . .
1. A professor, one that happens to be one of my most influential mentors not only in my discipline, but in my personal life as well, asked for some input about the topic of dating at BYU. I sent him some feedback from my residents and my own commentary. I didn't think much of it, and I didn't think he would either. I got an email back from him saying that I had "excellent commentary" and "good work" and told me that he was very thankful. There is absolutely nothing like having someone you admire and look up to so much tell you that you've done well and that he is also thankful for you. For a good solid three hours I think my heart was soaring. I will do well to recognize when others look up to me so I can do the same for them and mean it as I believe this particular person meant it.
2. I learned something about Gar today. She IS a yellow labrador. I knew that of course, but I learned that there is a special name for her shade on the "yellow spectrum." Most people ask about her breed because of her extremely dark coat, pink nose, and white spot on her chest. We reply, "She's a yellow lab, just a real rare one that just happened to be really dark and exceptionally cuter than any other one." And usually people don't believe us that she's purebred. But she is. I know for a fact she is. She's got tons of paperwork from Guide Dogs for the Blind - who are extremely particular about their breeding and pedigrees.
Today I learned that Yellow labs are on a spectrum: cream (often called white, but AKC is strictly particular that it is called 'cream', in fact they seemed rather peeved that 'uneducated public' call it 'white'. ;) which made me laugh because it bugs me also when people say 'golden labs' cuz there is no such thing. guess I'm an educated dog snob.), light yellow, yellow, dark yellow, and drummmm roooolllll... Fox red. Gar is a Fox Red Yellow Labrador. She is NOT a Yellow Labrador. She's a Fox Red Yellow Labrador. Now, I am excited about this for several reasons. One, uh.... FOX red. Fox happens to be my favorite animal. Two, I now have a name for my favorite color in nature. I always called it, the color of Gar (but some poor souls have never met her and so have no reference) or the color the sun turns the world at that certain time of evening I call Golden Time. Now I can call it Fox Red Golden Time. That's my favorite color. oh... my girl. She is my favorite everything.
You know what I miss most right now as I sit with a foot of snow outside my window, and more flakes coming down? I miss sitting in the sun with my fox red Gar gar at golden time. This is our favorite passtime over the summer. just sitting and watching the turkey vultures circle, the squirrels play, the trees sway and the wind roll over the hills, the mockingbirds singing and the cicadas buzzing and the fireflies as golden time moves above the trees. Sometimes James the guitar would join us. Sometimes cheese and home-grown tomato sandwhiches on wheat bread and mom would join us. Those moments. They were the moments I knew just how loved of God I was and I was warm inside and out. This is what I spent my last moments with Gar doing before I left. It was one of two days that the sun ever showed its face over the break. Thank you God for giving me that perfect last day, cause it was so so so hard to go.
The memories of those moments are what I try to immerse myself in while I lie in bed and freeze and get up and freeze and walk to school and freeze in the snow and ice. What I try to immerse myself in when I can't feel the love and my insides feel cold and lonely and hurting. What I cling to when I sit on the edge of my bed and try to remember why I'm choosing to get up. When I miss it all too much to find meaning in now, it convinces me to try to find peace in a moment of now. When I lie awake all night trying to calm my mind, It seems to rock me to sleep. It's like a Fox Red Golden state of mind. Oh Gar Gar, oh sunshine, oh golden times, I miss you. Although you are always with me and our hearts are always connected somehow, I still feel the tug and stretching on my heart over the distance.
3. You don't need to read this, I just had to write it out. It'll probably be jibberish to you. I spent almost three hours studying this talk by Elder Eyering that he gave to a conference of CES educators. I had a HUGE Ah HA moment. I was analyzing the talk from a Hermeneuticist perspective and trying to see how this way of seeing the world fit in with the church. I have always tried to put the two ideas together but I was missing a way to articulate the difference between what I believe is reality and what I believe is truth. You see. I hold personally a type of post-modern Kantian Hermeneutic view of epistemology and metaphysics. But when I explain these ideas to others in the church, I am met with fierce opposition, even angry and biting words. People mistake my ideas for a dangerous relativism- but it is not. But I couldn't quite articulate how it wasn't relativism until some personal insight while analyzing this talk "Thus we see."
You would be amazed at how much grief this problem has caused me at BYU. People have questioned my testimony, saying that I don't believe in an attainable absolute truth and therefore cannot possibly believe in God. One person told me that it was people that thought like me that left and eventually tried to destroy the church. OUch! Christ's doctrine and His church are everything to me! So I just stopped sharing my passionate and unique perspective of life and the mysteries of God, except with a few understanding proffessors who share a few similar to mine and taught me the ways of non-linear time and relational epistemology. Now I have found a way to articulate it and I get so excited about it that I almost shake and just have to share it. I called my mom and told her everything. I'm sure half of it went over her head and the other half she could have cared less about. But it felt good to share my insight with someone. I know, looking back on the past two paragraphs I can imagine I lost you at "Hermenuticist perspective." I. Am. A. Philosophical psychology nerd. Yep.
But you know what? I'm not ashamed. Most people search their whole lives trying to find that niche and subject that they can really get into. I found it two years ago and it has been two years of insightful constant ah hah mind-blown bliss. Also, Philosophy means Love of Knowledge. Philo - knowledge. sophia - love. Yep. I'm head over heels for knowledge. It's hopeless, I can't stop craving it. I'm so blessed. I've got a wonderful case of Philosophia. I think I'd like to name a cat or dog that someday. . .
Sunday, January 27, 2013
A Journey of a Lifetime
Well,
Hello. It's been a while, yes? I'm not the same girl that started this blog. But I'm hoping to find that girl again. So, here I am.
She's in there somewhere, and every time I write, I see a bit of her. But it's so easy for her to slip through my fingers. She's kind of hurting right now, that girl. I get afraid of the world quite easily as of late and I don't want her to hurt anymore. I stuff her in a closet and tell her to be quiet. Sometimes I spray her with a firehose to put out the flames. But this special friend of mine gave her some safe space to come out today and she inspired me to write on this blog again without knowing it. She said I was Special- all of me, not just the little girl, but even the one stuffing her in a closet to protect her. She asked me if I believed it. I don't know, but she makes me want to. I think I'll try. This little girl likes to share her heart with people though, and so I think that if we are going to go on this journey, this adventure in a seemingly scary world, she'd want to share every step with some other heart out there who is as scared as she is sometimes. So, in complete vulnerability, here goes.
So today, I'm thankful for my job. I love my job. Tonight I was scheduled to do cleaning checks. Not the funnest sounding, I know, but I actually secretly love it. Don't tell the other RAs... :) I love it because I get to go from apartment to apartment and see and talk to people that I never get to. Also, people like to bribe RAs. Two cupcakes tonight from two seperate apartments. One brownie, one Nutella - bonus! I also like the role that I'm in when I visit with these people. It's a role that people are watching carefully, a role that has great power to influence. I walk in the door and there are a million lables on my nametag besides my name. They automatically assume most of the time that I think I am better than them. OHHHhohohh are they wrong! Some are terrified in my presence nearly shaking at the thought of getting something less than perfect. Others let me know I'm not the boss of them. They seem so shocked when I completely agree with them on that. "Are you a nice RA, or one of the mean ones?" I love that question. I like to answer, "I'm one of the MEAN ones! Now on your knees, Scrub that floor Cinderella!" :) and they are immediately put at ease.
I like that they see me as a judge, looking for the worst most of the time, because I love to prove them wrong. I love to show them that I'm human. I like the look on their faces when I pick up a scrubbie and help them touch up an area without saying a word. I don't need to do that. I just love teaching them something about leadership without saying anything. I love asking them questions about their lives and their passions, their family, their ups and down times of the week. I get to hear a lot of bad day stories - cleaning checks always come on bad days, Oh don't I know! I love to stop checking for a minute to look them in the eye and allow myself to really see them for as long as they will let me. I love to watch them try to understand why I would do that. It's a simple gesture they may forget about as soon as I give them the yellow "Great Job!" pass sticker, but I never forget it. I never forget that trust they have in me even if only for a second as they looked me in the eye. I never forget the person I choose to be in those moments, and I kinda like her.
Today, I really needed cleaning check duty. I needed an excuse to really see people today. Thank you schedule. I needed it today because it's been really hard lately. I let myself cry a bit today. I couldn't look my friend in the eye while I cried, but I let myself cry. Baby steps. Baby steps.
Hello. It's been a while, yes? I'm not the same girl that started this blog. But I'm hoping to find that girl again. So, here I am.
She's in there somewhere, and every time I write, I see a bit of her. But it's so easy for her to slip through my fingers. She's kind of hurting right now, that girl. I get afraid of the world quite easily as of late and I don't want her to hurt anymore. I stuff her in a closet and tell her to be quiet. Sometimes I spray her with a firehose to put out the flames. But this special friend of mine gave her some safe space to come out today and she inspired me to write on this blog again without knowing it. She said I was Special- all of me, not just the little girl, but even the one stuffing her in a closet to protect her. She asked me if I believed it. I don't know, but she makes me want to. I think I'll try. This little girl likes to share her heart with people though, and so I think that if we are going to go on this journey, this adventure in a seemingly scary world, she'd want to share every step with some other heart out there who is as scared as she is sometimes. So, in complete vulnerability, here goes.
So today, I'm thankful for my job. I love my job. Tonight I was scheduled to do cleaning checks. Not the funnest sounding, I know, but I actually secretly love it. Don't tell the other RAs... :) I love it because I get to go from apartment to apartment and see and talk to people that I never get to. Also, people like to bribe RAs. Two cupcakes tonight from two seperate apartments. One brownie, one Nutella - bonus! I also like the role that I'm in when I visit with these people. It's a role that people are watching carefully, a role that has great power to influence. I walk in the door and there are a million lables on my nametag besides my name. They automatically assume most of the time that I think I am better than them. OHHHhohohh are they wrong! Some are terrified in my presence nearly shaking at the thought of getting something less than perfect. Others let me know I'm not the boss of them. They seem so shocked when I completely agree with them on that. "Are you a nice RA, or one of the mean ones?" I love that question. I like to answer, "I'm one of the MEAN ones! Now on your knees, Scrub that floor Cinderella!" :) and they are immediately put at ease.
I like that they see me as a judge, looking for the worst most of the time, because I love to prove them wrong. I love to show them that I'm human. I like the look on their faces when I pick up a scrubbie and help them touch up an area without saying a word. I don't need to do that. I just love teaching them something about leadership without saying anything. I love asking them questions about their lives and their passions, their family, their ups and down times of the week. I get to hear a lot of bad day stories - cleaning checks always come on bad days, Oh don't I know! I love to stop checking for a minute to look them in the eye and allow myself to really see them for as long as they will let me. I love to watch them try to understand why I would do that. It's a simple gesture they may forget about as soon as I give them the yellow "Great Job!" pass sticker, but I never forget it. I never forget that trust they have in me even if only for a second as they looked me in the eye. I never forget the person I choose to be in those moments, and I kinda like her.
Today, I really needed cleaning check duty. I needed an excuse to really see people today. Thank you schedule. I needed it today because it's been really hard lately. I let myself cry a bit today. I couldn't look my friend in the eye while I cried, but I let myself cry. Baby steps. Baby steps.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)