A Journey of a Lifetime

Well,
Hello. It's been a while, yes? I'm not the same girl that started this blog. But I'm hoping to find that girl again. So, here I am.

She's in there somewhere, and every time I write, I see a bit of her. But it's so easy for her to slip through my fingers. She's kind of hurting right now, that girl. I get afraid of the world quite easily as of late and I don't want her to hurt anymore. I stuff her in a closet and tell her to be quiet. Sometimes I spray her with a firehose to put out the flames. But this special friend of mine gave her some safe space to come out today and she inspired me to write on this blog again without knowing it. She said I was Special- all of me, not just the little girl, but even the one stuffing her in a closet to protect her.  She asked me if I believed it. I don't know, but she makes me want to. I think I'll try. This little girl likes to share her heart with people though, and so I think that if we are going to go on this journey, this adventure in a seemingly scary world, she'd want to share every step with some other heart out there who is as scared as she is sometimes. So, in complete vulnerability, here goes.

So today, I'm thankful for my job. I love my job. Tonight I was scheduled to do cleaning checks. Not the funnest sounding, I know, but I actually secretly love it. Don't tell the other RAs... :) I love it because I get to go from apartment to apartment and see and talk to people that I never get to. Also, people like to bribe RAs. Two cupcakes tonight from two seperate apartments. One brownie, one Nutella - bonus! I also like the role that I'm in when I visit with these people. It's a role that people are watching carefully, a role that has great power to influence. I walk in the door and there are a million lables on my nametag besides my name. They automatically assume most of the time that I think I am better than them. OHHHhohohh are they wrong! Some are terrified in my presence nearly shaking at the thought of getting something less than perfect. Others let me know I'm not the boss of them. They seem so shocked when I completely agree with them on that. "Are you a nice RA, or one of the mean ones?" I love that question. I like to answer, "I'm one of the MEAN ones! Now on your knees, Scrub that floor Cinderella!" :) and they are immediately put at ease.

I like that they see me as a judge, looking for the worst most of the time, because I love to prove them wrong. I love to show them that I'm human. I like the look on their faces when I pick up a scrubbie and help them touch up an area without saying a word. I don't need to do that. I just love teaching them something about leadership without saying anything. I love asking them questions about their lives and their passions, their family, their ups and down times of the week. I get to hear a lot of bad day stories - cleaning checks always come on bad days, Oh don't I know! I love to stop checking for a minute to look them in the eye and allow myself to really see them for as long as they will let me. I love to watch them try to understand why I would do that. It's a simple gesture they may forget about as soon as I give them the yellow "Great Job!" pass sticker, but I never forget it. I never forget that trust they have in me even if only for a second as they looked me in the eye. I never forget the person I choose to be in those moments, and I kinda like her.

Today, I really needed cleaning check duty. I needed an excuse to really see people today. Thank you schedule. I needed it today because it's been really hard lately. I let myself cry a bit today. I couldn't look my friend in the eye while I cried, but I let myself cry. Baby steps. Baby steps.