Clinging to a Fox Red Golden State of Mind

So there were a few very meaningful thoughts and experiences that have kept me going today.

1. A professor, one that happens to be one of my most influential mentors not only in my discipline, but in my personal life as well, asked for some input about the topic of dating at BYU. I sent him some feedback from my residents and my own commentary. I didn't think much of it, and I didn't think he would either. I got an email back from him saying that I had "excellent commentary" and "good work" and told me that he was very thankful. There is absolutely nothing like having someone you admire and look up to so much tell you that you've done well and that he is also thankful for you. For a good solid three hours I think my heart was soaring. I will do well to recognize when others look up to me so I can do the same for them and mean it as I believe this particular person meant it.

2. I learned something about Gar today. She IS a yellow labrador. I knew that of course, but I learned that there is a special name for her shade on the "yellow spectrum." Most people ask about her breed because of her extremely dark coat, pink nose, and white spot on her chest. We reply, "She's a yellow lab, just a real rare one that just happened to be really dark and exceptionally cuter than any other one." And usually people don't believe us that she's purebred. But she is. I know for a fact she is. She's got tons of paperwork from Guide Dogs for the Blind - who are extremely particular about their breeding and pedigrees.

Today I learned that Yellow labs are on a spectrum: cream (often called white, but AKC is strictly particular that it is called 'cream', in fact they seemed rather peeved that 'uneducated public' call it 'white'. ;) which made me laugh because it bugs me also when people say 'golden labs' cuz there is no such thing. guess I'm an educated dog snob.), light yellow, yellow, dark yellow, and drummmm roooolllll... Fox red. Gar is a Fox Red Yellow Labrador. She is NOT a Yellow Labrador. She's a Fox Red Yellow Labrador.  Now, I am excited about this for several reasons. One, uh.... FOX red. Fox happens to be my favorite animal. Two, I now have a name for my favorite color in nature. I always called it, the color of Gar (but some poor souls have never met her and so have no reference) or the color the sun turns the world at that certain time of evening I call Golden Time. Now I can call it Fox Red Golden Time. That's my favorite color. oh... my girl. She is my favorite everything.

You know what I miss most right now as I sit with a foot of snow outside my window, and more flakes coming down? I miss sitting in the sun with my fox red Gar gar at golden time. This is our favorite passtime over the summer. just sitting and watching the turkey vultures circle, the squirrels play, the trees sway and the wind roll over the hills, the mockingbirds singing and the cicadas buzzing and the fireflies as golden time moves above the trees. Sometimes James the guitar would join us. Sometimes cheese and home-grown tomato sandwhiches on wheat bread and mom would join us. Those moments. They were the moments I knew just how loved of God I was and I was warm inside and out. This is what I spent my last moments with Gar doing before I left. It was one of two days that the sun ever showed its face over the break. Thank you God for giving me that perfect last day, cause it was so so so hard to go.

The memories of those moments are what I try to immerse myself in while I lie in bed and freeze and get up and freeze and walk to school and freeze in the snow and ice. What I try to immerse myself in when I can't feel the love and my insides feel cold and lonely and hurting. What I cling to when I sit on the edge of my bed and try to remember why I'm choosing to get up. When I miss it all too much to find meaning in now, it convinces me to try to find peace in a moment of now. When I lie awake all night trying to calm my mind, It seems to rock me to sleep. It's like a Fox Red Golden state of mind. Oh Gar Gar, oh sunshine, oh golden times, I miss you. Although you are always with me and our hearts are always connected somehow, I still feel the tug and stretching on my heart over the distance.

3. You don't need to read this, I just had to write it out. It'll probably be jibberish to you. I spent almost three hours studying this talk by Elder Eyering that he gave to a conference of CES educators. I had a HUGE Ah HA moment. I was analyzing the talk from a Hermeneuticist perspective and trying to see how this way of seeing the world fit in with the church. I have always tried to put the two ideas together but I was missing a way to articulate the difference between what I believe is reality and what I believe is truth. You see. I hold personally a type of post-modern Kantian Hermeneutic view of epistemology and metaphysics. But when I explain these ideas to others in the church, I am met with fierce opposition, even angry and biting words. People mistake my ideas for a dangerous relativism- but it is not. But I couldn't quite articulate how it wasn't relativism until some personal insight while analyzing this talk "Thus we see."

You would be amazed at how much grief this problem has caused me at BYU. People have questioned my testimony, saying that I don't believe in an attainable absolute truth and therefore cannot possibly believe in God. One person told me that it was people that thought like me that left and eventually tried to destroy the church. OUch! Christ's doctrine and His church are everything to me! So I just stopped sharing my passionate and unique perspective of life and the mysteries of God, except with a few understanding proffessors who share a few similar to mine and taught me the ways of non-linear time and relational epistemology. Now I have found a way to articulate it and I get so excited about it that I almost shake and just have to share it. I called my mom and told her everything. I'm sure half of it went over her head and the other half she could have cared less about. But it felt good to share my insight with someone. I know, looking back on the past two paragraphs I can imagine I lost you at "Hermenuticist perspective." I. Am. A. Philosophical psychology nerd. Yep.

But you know what? I'm not ashamed. Most people search their whole lives trying to find that niche and subject that they can really get into. I found it two years ago and it has been two years of insightful constant ah hah mind-blown bliss. Also, Philosophy means Love of Knowledge. Philo - knowledge. sophia - love. Yep. I'm head over heels for knowledge. It's hopeless, I can't stop craving it. I'm so blessed. I've got a wonderful case of Philosophia. I think I'd like to name a cat or dog that someday. . .