Heart Whispers

I wrote this out and shared it with a few people, but it's kinda big news... So I should share it on here.

I'M GOING TO LIVE!

So I went and chopped all my hair off... it barely touches my shoulders... I know. I tried to feel the weight of fear leave my head!

I met with the doctor about my heart a couple days ago. He said in reviewing the results from all the tests, my heart is "weird," but fine.

In addition to the arrhythmia, they were worried about a leaky valve. It is confirmed that there is no leaky valve! Hooray! The regurgitation they were seeing has to do with the arrhythmia not a bad valve. Occasionally an irregular heartbeat of my type is the cause of premature death in young people (creepily referred to as "Sudden Arrhythmia Death Syndrome") depending on the heart's ability to handle the constant heart hiccups. This is what they were most concerned about and why they wanted me to take it real easy until they could get control of the situation. yikes. According to the doctor though, my heart is one of the strongest that he's seen in a person my age. He thought I was a super athlete... nope, just ride my bike and hike sometimes. He said that in some ways my heart is "broken" BUT it is strong enough to handle anything it can dish out and he's not concerned at all about it. My heart's capacity to compensate for the hiccups far exceed the harm they could possibly do. So premature death is pretty much not a risk for me, even with my type of arrhythmia. My heart truly "beats" the "odds".

I asked about the fact that sometimes my heart skips seemingly every other beat. It's hard to focus on things when it takes my breath away so often. He said that normal hearts skip beats too. A normal heart may skip up to 1000 beats and be just fine. But most of the time, people do not experience the symptoms or even feel it happening. I asked why I'm so special that I can feel it so strongly. His reply was that my type of arrhythmia is apparently hard to ignore and as strong as my heart is, it must be more sensitive than the average Joe's heart.

I asked about the dizziness. He said to know that the dizziness is normal for the work my heart is having to do. He said to be patient for the blood to get to my head and to trust my heart to be able to handle it, because it can. My dizziness is not an indicator of trouble, just of my heart probably sighing as it should be allowed to do every once in a while because it's a good worker.

So, I just found this whole situation relieving, and also encouraging and enlightening. I found some really meaningful metaphors. :)

•  I have a heart that beats to the beat of a different drummer... and it's okay. 
• My heart is broken in some ways, but God made it strong enough to handle it just fine. I need to trust that.
• Dizziness makes me stop in my tracks and close my eyes and be still every once in a while. It is my heart sighing, and it is a privilege it deserves every once in a while. It reminds me of a story about turbulence from Pres. Uchtdorf.
• My heart is quite sensitive and feels nearly every hiccup. It's very distracting from the distractions of my day, but I get to learn a new language this way. surely my heart must have something to say to me if it's stomping this hard for my attention sometimes. There must be some reason why it hiccups at certain times and why it has good days and bad days. I am being forced to pay more attention to my inner landscape of life even more than I already am. Next on my agenda is to learn what my heart is saying. Someday every hiccup will be felt AND connected with instead of just being rogue, distant, and scary. I refuse to just be acted upon by my heart. We're going to work together. My heart is teaching me to speak its language so we can be on the same page and feel a little more whole. We're kinda stuck with each other for eternity... I ought to start paying it the attention it has always paid to me. 
• Good thing: I was forced to find a family doctor that I really really like, and he knows my situation and my cardiologist really well. I feel safe with their net below me.
• My cardiologist said my heart was adorable and very photogenic. . . I just like that. Someday some guy out there will see that. ;)

So, I'm okay. No need for further tests or worry. I can do whatever I want physically with a few precautions and banned activities (like roller coasters and sky diving... I'm good with that!). I may feel the symptoms for the rest of my life. If I just listen to my heart and trust it and we'll be just fine.

I admit, sometimes I like to make it work a little extra so I can hear the odd rhythm thumping in my ears like it's whispering to me in it's precious little stutter:

"I'm yours... I'm yours.. I'm.. I'm... I'm yours YOURS."

A Weekend In Heaven

Once upon a time I went to the storytelling festival and took off my shoes to save a seat (I didn't have enough belongings with me to save the 4 I needed). I walked away in my socks on the cool grass to find something to do in the park for an hour when I overheard two girls in the aisle: "did you bring any cards?" "Oh yeah, cause I just carry cards around with me everywhere!... no." So I stopped and got out the cards that I just carry around with me everywhere and asked if they wanted to play with me.

While we were playing I felt a tickling on my stocking feet. I thought it must be someone I knew. I turned around to see a little gray haired lady running away and yelling back to me, "I'm sorry, I couldn't resist, and you looked like the kind of girl that wouldn't mind!" Later, when my guests arrived, I went to my seat to find another old lady sitting next to my seat. We started talking and sharing life stories. She was 82 and was there because one of her girlfriends was turning 90 and for her birthday, she wanted to go on a roadtrip with her three other girlfriends from Nebraska to Orem, UT for the storytelling festival. I asked if she would be my grandma for the evening. She hugged me and said she'd love to, but that I might not like it because she was crazy. I was beginning to tell her the story of the foot-tickling lady and how it just made me love that lady, how she couldn't do anything crazy enough to scare me off.

She cut me off, "No, you don't understand. just an hour ago, I tickled some stranger's feet just because and then ran away!" I lifted up my memorable socks and said, "I bet she had crazy socks like these, how could you resist!?" She covered her face and screamed into laughter, "AHHH I was never supposed to see you again!"

Only at the storytelling festival, folks. Two and a half days in heaven. Heaven will be full of crazy socks and little old ladies who can't resist and the kind of girls who won't mind. . . and their dogs.