What Do I Do?

So, since Cini has been gone, I've decided not to let the gift that she shared with me go to waste, namely, the gift of getting people together.

I've never been particularly good at this. It was never an interest of mine, and when I became interested in it, my attempts usually failed miserably and I just chalked it up to being a lame person. . . I don't know why I always failed at that before now. My choice of friends perhaps? Or maybe I truly was lame? I don't know. It doesn't matter anyhow. The point is that now, I can do that pretty well and I got a TON of practice with Cini here. So I've made special efforts to keep that up, to invite people over, to go to other places. It's lonely in my apartment most of the time so I try to do something about it when I can.

One of this week's adventures included going to Salt Lake with my old best friend from middle school. Her name is Sarah and we were quite close for a time - specifically when Gar left and the Jen ordeal went down. I didn't really ever confide in her, but she often confided in me her deep and vulnerable feelings. So I felt needed, and I loved her for that. And she really let me see her, and I loved her. We were in the same art class and several of us got pretty close in that class, and we adored Mr. Stradley, the teacher. When I moved, slowly the phone stopped ringing and the emails stopped showing up in each others inbox. When I came back to Utah for college we just never got back together. She called me and asked me to be her bride's maid at her wedding over a year ago, but I couldn't be there at all for her wedding. I hadn't talked to her since that invite. Not even to congratulate her.

Not that I didn't care... you know, sometimes friends just slip away from you. And you know that if you say you want to make it right and that you'll be better at keeping in contact, you'll be a better friend for maybe a month and then they'll slip away again. I just knew this cycle would happen, because I'm a busy college student and that is my reality. I've only got time for my family and the friends in my backyard most of the time.

Then I got this invite on Facebook to an art gallery showcasing my ninth grade art teacher's work. He's sent these to me multiple times and I did what I'm sure Sarah and others who were close to us in that art class always did with those invites: "Ahwh. That was such a great class. I love that teacher. I love the people in that class... That would be so fun to see some of those people again someday!...Delete."  This time I thought this same thing, but it didn't delete it. I flipped to my schedule... I'd be missing a fun thing for work, but I could go. How would I get up there? How awkward would that be to surprise him? We haven't spoken except in email 7 years ago. Would he even recognize me? Then I thought of Sarah. I thought how she's married now over a year and I never even talked to her. So I sent a message to Sarah, "I know I've been a bad friend... wanna go with me to Mr. Stradley's art show? I want to spend some time with you." She said yes. Her husband (!!! weird) will drive us.

I was pretty nervous. You know, what could we talk about? Would she be the same? Am I the same as she remembers, surely not... I actually talk to people now. In fact, when I'm excited about something, I talk a lot. What about this guy? Will I like him? Can I talk to him? When I talk with Sarah, will it leave him out? Will he like me? So many questions.

Was I trying to make a promise to myself or to her that I'd be a "better friend" and talk to her more? Was I setting us up for disappointment? What do I want her to know about me? What do I want to know about her now? What do I want her to think of me, or not think of me?

I got in the car and it was beautiful what happened. I still knew Sarah. After 5 or 6 years, I still knew her. I also knew nothing about her. She asked me what it was like for me to be with her again after all this time. She explained it as "weird." But knowing Sarah, that means she doesn't quite have the words for it yet. So I found some. I told her that if felt like normal, being with her, knowing her, loving her, the feeling of our relationship was wonderful. To say she felt like a stranger was far from the truth. Yet, I knew nothing about her anymore. She agreed. We had plenty to ask about each other. But it was so secondary to the experience of simply the other that was still connected to me and I apparently to her.

We walked into the studio and I walked up to Mr. Stradley. Still tall and "Stradley" as ever, but looking more distinguished with his fancy best and tie, surrounded by people, who, judging by their hair styles and colors, were aspiring artists themselves. We chatted a little while. Then we looked at his art and ate fancy purple cheese and sparkling cider. I had a question to ask Mr Stradley, so I did.

"I haven't seen your art in over 7 years... But last I saw it, it looked like melting eye ball shapes.

 How did you end up here then?

 I guess I'm just wondering about your process and journey to where you are now."


This is what he said:

Grad school happened. If you want to reinvent yourself, go to grad school. I did the circle things for a while, Then I got even more cellular.

Then I got interested in dendritic features and neural network type things.

But I realized that my artwork was more illustrative than abstract. People would look at it and ask me what it was a picture of or what it meant, what I was trying to illustrate because it looked so similar to something they've seen before, they just wanted to be sure they understood it right. I didn't want that. I kept trying and trying to make something original and abstract, I was led to geometric modern shapes, the most elementary structure of art that I could find and still, it would end up looking like something, trying to say something I wasn't sure was truthful. 

Then I had a great epiphany. I was asking all the wrong questions. I was focused so much on "What does this look like? What does this mean?"

Then I asked a better question. 

"What does this do?"

The whole time, what I really cared about was how my artwork made people feel, not what I wanted them to get out of it. Then suddenly, my art changed for the better, I think.

This is Jill talking now. I have to admit, I am not a huge fan of his art - except for the fact that it is his. Beyond that, the cheese was really good. . . But I was profoundly hit by his epiphany that led to an almost altruistic art of sorts, much less obsessed with itself and more involving of the other. What if I stopped thinking so much about what I wanted people to get and understand from me and focusing on me. What if I started asking the question, "What do I do? How do I make people feel?"  What if I could be more altruistic of sorts in how I display myself, much less obsessed with my display as with my involving of the other? Ooooo right? 

That's what it felt like to be with Sarah again. And as much as I'd love to keep doing things and talking regularly with her. I know it may happen for a while and then she will slip again. So instead, I just will hold on to the part that will never slip away, the otherness of our relationship... It's a much less stressful way to live I decided.

Adjusting With Morrie

I'm in adjustment stage.

Adjustment stages aren't usually very fun for me. I like to just be adjusted, not simply "working on it."

I have one roommate now. And she's not my sister. And she has a boyfriend with a funner apartment than us. She leaves before I am awake enough to trust myself to speak to anyone, and she gets home after I'm already in bed. The time in between, it's just me and little stuffed Gar. And books.

I'm not quite adjusted to these new living arrangements yet. I feel empty, like my apartment. I was walking home from RA class yesterday and I realized, there would be no one there. No one would have stories from class or work to share. No one would wonder where I was if I was late getting back. No one would invite me to do something with them. No one would whine when I'd have to say no because I had to work later on. No one would even care if I came home at all. And that is something I do not miss from last winter. At least last winter, my roommate had lots of emotional things going on and she relied on me to talk with and cry with her, so it was lonely but doable. My roommate now doesn't need me at all.

I don't wish for a new roommate, though. I don't have the energy to do the starting over thing. A new roommate wouldn't fix the issue anyway. I miss my sister. And soon she'll leave for the Navy and we won't even get to talk or write.

I feel empty because so much of who I was and what I did and said and thought was funny and how I planned my days and weekends last semester... was completely surrounding Cini. She was my world. I only studied when I wasn't doing something with her. I worked with my residents at the same time I was trying to pacify her needs for attention. And if felt good to have someone want me home. It felt good to actually have a home-life outside of work. I saw things and went places I wouldn't have without her. She even made my fridge full! She also made it empty, but she demanded it have food in it to begin with. Now, my fridge is empty, and I don't really care.

Things don't stay empty very long. I know this. I will find a way to fill the emptiness I feel. If I don't, life will fill it with whatever it wants anyway.

Right now, (outside of school and work) I'm trying to fill it with a book. I've never filled myself with that before. I never understood the whole, "books can be your best friends" thing. I never found "escape" from a book before either. I rarely ever finish a book because I start writing before I ever get to the end. But, right now, I'm stuck in a book. My dear friend let me borrow a book, Tuesdays With Morrie. I hear it is sad and I will cry. Good. I need a good cry with someone. Even if it is just a fictional character in a book. So far, it is filling my emptiness just a little. I'm only on page 62, but that's like a record for me, cause I'm still interested, nay, hungering for what that book is sharing with me. So many similarities and special connections to my life right now make this book just for me, just at this precise time, like God wrote me a long letter and slipped it into my backpack on the particular day I needed it most.

 

Here are some connections I'm making so far.

Tuesdays, for one, are my favorite days. I was just talking to Stacy after class yesterday (Tuesday) about how Tuesdays are busy, but they are also my favorite days because they are usually filled with depth and meaningful learning and people and a sense of community and a challenge. I wake up every Tuesday and I know without a doubt that the day has something special for me, and it's like reading a novel just to live the day. Even though RA class on Tuesdays can be hard and remind me of losses, it also reminds me of the love that made those losses a loss, and that hurts nice. I watch for the plot, the themes of the day, the special quarks of the Characters, and the lesson I learn at the end of the day. Tuesdays are my favorite kind of Novel.

Also, I like to fill my life with "Morries." Ever since I was little, I have found the ill and the old and the wise to be my friends. I was not a child that got bored at the bedside of my grandma or the old man down the street. I was often teased that when I got to be 30 or 40 I would have no friends left, because they would all be long gone.

Even at school, I spend time, one on one, with a certain professor I adore and who has changed my life from the inside out and given me direction in my future career, my personal mission, and my relationship with God. Dr. Slife.

I've sat in his office several times. Sometimes we talk about certain publications and what they mean in our lives, of how God works within them and in our lives. Sometimes we just talk about dogs. His dad used to be a vet when he was growing up and he knows the unconditional and forgiving love of a dog- the kind we wish humans had. Sometimes we talk about bluegrass music. He invited me to play my guitar with him and his banjo someday. Sometimes we talk about my future. Sometimes we don't talk and we just enjoy the company of walking together to his office in silence, and the sound of our footsteps as I try to keep them in sync. I want to walk his walk someday, so I practice simple first. Our talks were always on a Tuesday, too, right after his class. This relationship has always been special to me. After a talk with Dr. Slife I felt high and would tell everyone about how awesome it was. So far this book has given this relationship even more meaning in my life, and I have an even firmer determination to keep it going - even though I'm not in his classes anymore - I've taken them all already. And the best part is - I know he won't mind. He even asked me to bring Sugar to visit him sometime.

So, yes. Things feel a little bit empty. For now. But I think I'm gonna slowly fill the emptiness with Morries and with trying to be a Morrie to my residents. I'm not dying... but that's just it, I am living. I'm not so wise as Morrie, but life has taught me some things about being human, and I'm an expert on being a human Jill - which has some perks, like the love of bubbles and furry things. And I am compassionate. I'm probably not going to change someone's life forever. I'm not out to preach either. I just want to fill my emptiness with love - for people, for my life, and for love's sake.

It's nice talking to Morrie through this book. I really needed a Morrie to talk with.

Just What The Doctor Ordered!

Yesterday I went to the doctor for this... yuckiness I've got. I went because I knew I wouldn't make time or occasion to go to the doctor when I get back to school, so if there is anything that can be  helped, I knew I'd need to get seen here, now.

We pulled into the new local clinic, "FAST PACE" which is literally a trailer in a once vacant parking lot. Yep. It fits in well with my town. :) And I love it.

We went in and waited for 15 minutes to go back. I read a book and made up my own captions for the cheesy soap opera they were playing. An older gentleman yelled, "Ferrell!" and we went back. No smiles. No talking. He was all business. I wanted to be a break from the obvious boredom that was his day. He immediately started asking me questions. I asked him if I could ask him one. "What's your name?" "Eric." Well we chatted a little bit. I even got him to smile once. :) Just once. Baby steps. Baby steps. :)

Then we waited in an exam room for 15 minutes... then 25 minutes. Then Cini and I started whistling the jeopardy theme song in round and laughing. :) It was only in good fun. And they knew it (I went to school with one of the secretaries, and another one was a reading assistant at the school). We thought they had forgotten us. There were only two other people in the clinic waiting to see a doctor... then 35 minutes. I was playing with a little metal stool with my feet and I accidentally tipped it over and it crashed... it made a nice clang... so I did it again... No one came. But Mom, Cini, and I laughed a lot. 40 minutes. I started joining the conversations of the secretary ladies (our exam room was right across from their office. One lady answered the phone "OH HEY! What are you doin'?"  "Just waiting." I answered. "Oh no. I'm so sorry!" "Thank you," I replied and then turned to mom and Cini, "finally some concerned clinicians!" :)

45 minutes...

I peeked out the door. A lady in scrubs peeked back at me from around the door. I didn't know she was there. Her eyes were filled with concern and attentiveness. "Are you okay?" I had the giggles and was in shock by this sincere stranger, "uhhh... what?" "Are you okay? Is everything alright?" She said, now standing right in front of me, looking right into my eyes. She looked right into me. I liked her. I assumed she was another nurse. "Uhh.... yes. We're... good. :) " "Okay... :) Just making sure... (giggles from Cini and Mom because I had dared to stick my head out in the carefree state I was in) there's a lot of giggling going on in there." Then she picked up a dry erase marker and started writing on a whiteboard. I didn't want her to leave the hallway. There was something special about her. I needed to see her smile again and I had a joke all prepared. "Hey," I said. She turned to me. "I have a new name for your clinic." I said with eyes wide and a huge cheesy grin. "A new name for the Fast Pace clinic?" she asked with a suspecting smile. She was waiting for the joke. "Yes. 'Old-Man-With-A-Walker-Pace Clinic' : D! " She rolled her eyes and smiled real big and walked back down the hall.

We waited 5 more minutes and the doctor came in.

 It was her.

  

She sat right down and said, "I'm Cheryll." 

Me: Well I'm Jill.

Cheryll: (She smiled, I don't think she expected me to introduce myself.) Good to meet you.

M: Nice to meet you. (A little sheepish, since this wasn't our first meeting...)

C: So what's your biggest complaint? (all serious now).

M: the wait (reflecting a dramatic seriousness back).

C: besides that one (she said with a smile in one corner of her mouth).

M: the giggles.... and a cough.

C: okay... :) and what does that feel like?

M: Like a really funny elephant sitting on my chest.

C: That is the third time I have heard that exact phrase today about an elephant on the chest! ...Not a funny elephant though- that's a new one. (sincerely considering a 'funny' elephant)

M: Must be elephantitis going around... (I said in all seriousness)

C: :) (She's trying so hard not to waste time with my playfulness) So is it just in you chest?

M: I have a bad headache too.

C: Did the yuckiness start in your face or did it just end up there?

M: GASP! How Rude! ;)

C: Ah, I didn't mean it like... sigh. (turns to my mom with a playful frustration) Is she always like this?

Mom: Pretty much.
 M: 

She looked in my ears and my mouth and we exchanged playful banter. She listened to me breathe... and laugh... and then promptly cough. I know this sounds weird. But there is something powerful about touch. I hadn't been out of the house for several days now and hadn't seen anyone outside my family either... her touch was healing to my restless soul and even though it was minimal and only to care for my physical self when she touched my ear and back, she did more than that. And also, her eyes have a warm sparkle.

C: Well, I think what you have is a virus because the rest of Fairview has it too and bacteria doesn't spread that quick. So. Because it's a virus, there isn't really anything I can do to help you... BUT, the rest of Fairview has antibiotics, so why shouldn't you!!!! :)

We talked about the options and why we should or shouldn't do this or that and we brought up that I'm going back to Utah for school, and that I likely wouldn't go to the doctor down there in case the virus turned bacterial.

C: UTAH!? I LOVE Utah! You didn't say you were from Utah! I used to live in Sandy. I miss it. I've been wanting to go back!

M: You are welcome at my place any time. I've got two empty beds and I'll feed you and we can build snowmen with stethoscope scarves, and blow bubbles and watch them freeze! (I felt like Buddy the Elf).

Dr. Cheryll began writing up the prescription. She ripped it off and handed it to Cini.
C: You don't understand who you're talking to! I really will call you up.. I mean, I have your information right here, sooo... be careful!

I was so excited! I LOVE new friends. She is special. I knew she was special!

M: You don't understand who YOU'RE talking to! I really would LOVE for you to come and stay with me! Gasp! Can we be friends???

C: (She smiled and clicked her pen.) You know what?.... (she wrote on her prescription note pad again, ripped it off, and handed it to me.) Tell me how Utah is treating you.

On her note, she wrote her name and her cell number!

How fitting it is! She prescribed me a new friend. She prescribed me herself! She truly IS just what the doctor ordered!!!!!!!

I have been floating on clouds ever since. Some day I will call her up and tell her that I'd like my prescribed dose of Cheryll.

I have a new friend. And she wanted me!!

Can I hear a "say AH!"?