Adjusting With Morrie

I'm in adjustment stage.

Adjustment stages aren't usually very fun for me. I like to just be adjusted, not simply "working on it."

I have one roommate now. And she's not my sister. And she has a boyfriend with a funner apartment than us. She leaves before I am awake enough to trust myself to speak to anyone, and she gets home after I'm already in bed. The time in between, it's just me and little stuffed Gar. And books.

I'm not quite adjusted to these new living arrangements yet. I feel empty, like my apartment. I was walking home from RA class yesterday and I realized, there would be no one there. No one would have stories from class or work to share. No one would wonder where I was if I was late getting back. No one would invite me to do something with them. No one would whine when I'd have to say no because I had to work later on. No one would even care if I came home at all. And that is something I do not miss from last winter. At least last winter, my roommate had lots of emotional things going on and she relied on me to talk with and cry with her, so it was lonely but doable. My roommate now doesn't need me at all.

I don't wish for a new roommate, though. I don't have the energy to do the starting over thing. A new roommate wouldn't fix the issue anyway. I miss my sister. And soon she'll leave for the Navy and we won't even get to talk or write.

I feel empty because so much of who I was and what I did and said and thought was funny and how I planned my days and weekends last semester... was completely surrounding Cini. She was my world. I only studied when I wasn't doing something with her. I worked with my residents at the same time I was trying to pacify her needs for attention. And if felt good to have someone want me home. It felt good to actually have a home-life outside of work. I saw things and went places I wouldn't have without her. She even made my fridge full! She also made it empty, but she demanded it have food in it to begin with. Now, my fridge is empty, and I don't really care.

Things don't stay empty very long. I know this. I will find a way to fill the emptiness I feel. If I don't, life will fill it with whatever it wants anyway.

Right now, (outside of school and work) I'm trying to fill it with a book. I've never filled myself with that before. I never understood the whole, "books can be your best friends" thing. I never found "escape" from a book before either. I rarely ever finish a book because I start writing before I ever get to the end. But, right now, I'm stuck in a book. My dear friend let me borrow a book, Tuesdays With Morrie. I hear it is sad and I will cry. Good. I need a good cry with someone. Even if it is just a fictional character in a book. So far, it is filling my emptiness just a little. I'm only on page 62, but that's like a record for me, cause I'm still interested, nay, hungering for what that book is sharing with me. So many similarities and special connections to my life right now make this book just for me, just at this precise time, like God wrote me a long letter and slipped it into my backpack on the particular day I needed it most.

 

Here are some connections I'm making so far.

Tuesdays, for one, are my favorite days. I was just talking to Stacy after class yesterday (Tuesday) about how Tuesdays are busy, but they are also my favorite days because they are usually filled with depth and meaningful learning and people and a sense of community and a challenge. I wake up every Tuesday and I know without a doubt that the day has something special for me, and it's like reading a novel just to live the day. Even though RA class on Tuesdays can be hard and remind me of losses, it also reminds me of the love that made those losses a loss, and that hurts nice. I watch for the plot, the themes of the day, the special quarks of the Characters, and the lesson I learn at the end of the day. Tuesdays are my favorite kind of Novel.

Also, I like to fill my life with "Morries." Ever since I was little, I have found the ill and the old and the wise to be my friends. I was not a child that got bored at the bedside of my grandma or the old man down the street. I was often teased that when I got to be 30 or 40 I would have no friends left, because they would all be long gone.

Even at school, I spend time, one on one, with a certain professor I adore and who has changed my life from the inside out and given me direction in my future career, my personal mission, and my relationship with God. Dr. Slife.

I've sat in his office several times. Sometimes we talk about certain publications and what they mean in our lives, of how God works within them and in our lives. Sometimes we just talk about dogs. His dad used to be a vet when he was growing up and he knows the unconditional and forgiving love of a dog- the kind we wish humans had. Sometimes we talk about bluegrass music. He invited me to play my guitar with him and his banjo someday. Sometimes we talk about my future. Sometimes we don't talk and we just enjoy the company of walking together to his office in silence, and the sound of our footsteps as I try to keep them in sync. I want to walk his walk someday, so I practice simple first. Our talks were always on a Tuesday, too, right after his class. This relationship has always been special to me. After a talk with Dr. Slife I felt high and would tell everyone about how awesome it was. So far this book has given this relationship even more meaning in my life, and I have an even firmer determination to keep it going - even though I'm not in his classes anymore - I've taken them all already. And the best part is - I know he won't mind. He even asked me to bring Sugar to visit him sometime.

So, yes. Things feel a little bit empty. For now. But I think I'm gonna slowly fill the emptiness with Morries and with trying to be a Morrie to my residents. I'm not dying... but that's just it, I am living. I'm not so wise as Morrie, but life has taught me some things about being human, and I'm an expert on being a human Jill - which has some perks, like the love of bubbles and furry things. And I am compassionate. I'm probably not going to change someone's life forever. I'm not out to preach either. I just want to fill my emptiness with love - for people, for my life, and for love's sake.

It's nice talking to Morrie through this book. I really needed a Morrie to talk with.