I had an interesting experience from which I learned a lot about the Atonement of Christ and wanted to share. It is two-part, but they both are sort of stand-alone ideas as well. So I'm posting this Part One and next week I'll try for Part Two.
I have been feeling rather perfectionistic as of late. It might have to do with my extreme relapse into Impostor Syndrome triggered by internship applications. So I listened to General conference with these struggles in mind, seeking both reassurance and guidance to stay on track and not get swallowed up by my sense of not being good enough.
The talk that spoke to me most was from Sister Harkness. She talked about finding peace in Christ. She shared a story of her grandchild who was very young and felt very brave as she jumped off the boat with her cousins into the water but then started feeling panicked and yelled "Help me! Help me!" There was no real danger. The little girl was wearing a life jacket and it was doing it's job. Nevertheless, they helped the little girl back into the boat and praised her courage for jumping in and reassured her of their presence to keep her safe and assuage her worries.
I feel like this a lot right now. Like God asked me to jump in the water, and I did and some of it was fun, and it was also kind of cold and murky. And now that I'm in deeper murkier water, despite my life jacket, I'm like, "Um... umm..... help! Help! I can't swim! I don't think I can swim! I changed my mind! HELP!"
They didn't pull her in begrudgingly, saying "C'mon. you're wearing a life jacket! Grow up! What's wrong with you!? Don't be a baby! You're fine!" But that's what I'm afraid of as much as the cold, deep, murky water.
I think sometimes we feel like Christ rebukes us when we get in the water and start to panic and doubt our abilities and our potential. I think we even read Christ's response to Peter that way. "C'mon Peter! Oh ye of little faith, what are you afraid of!" But I wonder he meant it differently than we read it with our self-critical eyes.
In the eternal perspective, we are all just babies. Seriously, we've got a lot of growing up to do and this life is no small matter, but I think it's like starting kindergarten... feels like a totally new world with new things, new expectations, and challenges, and separation, and oh my goodness where did mom/dad go!? But to a grown up... it's just kindergarten. Our faith is growing. Right now it IS little. Like little kid kind of faith. Maybe that's what Christ meant as he reached out and grabbed Peter without hesitation, "Oh Peter, your faith is so young. You're soul is so little! I almost forget sometimes how young you all are since getting this mortal body! Tell me what you are afraid of and then you can grow a little more as we talk about it together..."
I think of what Christ means when He says to be as a little child. Kids are scared of LOTS of things! They are afraid of being sucked down the drain in the bathtub and scared that ophthalmologists can read their minds when they look through the scope into their eyes... They are scared of jumping in water even with a life vest on! The faith part comes in, not in the absence of fear, but in response to it. The faith IS the "Help! Help!" The faith is the knowing "from whence cometh my help." Calling out for Christ to save us when we are scared IS faith like a little child. Knowing He IS the Help and can and will is faith like a little child. Over time, just as a child grows in experience, less faith is required for those things, but new things pop up that require faith once again, like dating...
But the point is, we don't ridicule kids for being scared and asking for help. Or, we shouldn't... it doesn't help but makes them more scared because then they lose faith in us to help them... We may encourage them to stay in the water a bit longer, but we don't hesitate to let them know we are right there, helping. It made me feel much better about my own panicky feelings. I'm not faithless. I'm just real new to this and like a kid, I'm scared learning new things and know from whence will come my help. So I'm not ashamed to call out for help. I AM of little faith. and calling out for help and having that experience of having help is how that faith grows. Isn't it true that the Faith we need to have most is in our Savior? Only then does any other faith matter. So I have faith in my Savior when I get scared and call out to Him for help when I need it. Then through that faith always being proved well-placed, I learn to have faith in what he asks of me, and then faith in myself...
But there is a development. developing faith in self without faith in God's plan is not going to turn out well. That's like jumping out of the boat when parents are yelling that there are sharks in the water. And having faith in the plan without faith in Christ is like jumping out and being scared in the water and not calling out for help and feeling utterly alone with no sense of relationship or purpose to the jump. Developing faith. Developing is both an adjective and a verb. We all have developing faith. We've never done this life thing before. And this developing faith's foundations are in Christ first. It isn't a lack of faith, it's a bud of it when we feel panic and call out for help. No one calls the bud of a rose a failing rose or a rose falling short. It's just growing. It's still a rose inside. It just needs time. No bud stays a bud. It's not possible. Buds become flowers when given what they need. Our faith is the same. All we need for our little faith to grow is to reach out and ask for help, and feel the full experience of Him reaching out to us to let us know He is here. Then we develop more faith in His plan for us. Then we come to have faith in ourselves to conquer the challenges he gives us because we know He is there.
Christ's Atonement allows us to grow in faith, to feel scared and develop over time instead of demanding that we are perfectly doubtless about what is happening to us. He knows what it feels like to jump in the cold murky water, and he knows what faith looks like as it grows. He is patient with the little faith because it is the very gift he gives us so that little faith can grow. I imagine while we beat ourselves up for being so scared, He thinks it is rather cute. He knows there is no danger. And he knows how scary kindergarten and swimming can be to us of "little" faith.
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