A Journey of Forgiveness

Today is about a topic I am coming to understand more than I ever have needed to understand before.

Forgiveness.

There is a man, a man who I cannot separate from the cause of my best friend's death. He ignored the signs for almost two years even when I drew them to his attention. He wasn't aware of simple information that was his job to know. He gave me false hope. He didn't show that he cared. He didn't wait for me to spend some time with Gar before he put the needles in that killed her. He took credit for good he didn't do. And, he didn't even ever apologize. How? I wondered, how can I forgive him for making it near impossible for Garcelle to survive her cancer? How? "Someday," I thought, "I will forgive him. But not now."

Sinner! Voices told me. You sinner! You have to forgive everyone no matter what they did, every time.

I know. But I couldn't. I didn't even know where to start. I couldn't even think about it yet.


1. So I hurt and I let myself hurt in little chunks here and there. Just enough to feel it. Not enough to let it overwhelm me... most of the time. I am learning that this was step one. Hurt. Recognize the hurt. This is part of forgiveness.

One of my favorite people spoke in my branch this Sunday and he spoke on forgiveness. He said that most people have trouble with forgiveness because they think that forgiveness means you are saying the deed done or pain caused is not a big deal. That everything is fine. But it's not. Then he said. "But forgiveness means the opposite. Forgiveness is BECAUSE it IS a big deal. It is a GREAT big deal. And forgiveness IS because the Atonement is bigger."

Sometimes the only way I can feel God close to me is by letting myself feel what I feel. While I try to hide, I cannot find Him. Duh. But when I LET myself hurt (giving it license to be real and okay, and only as much as I can handle) I find that He's been there hurting with me and He never left even when I left. So step one. To appreciate the atonement and the power of forgiveness in the first place, I have to validate just how big of a deal it really is.

2. I still hurt but I am okay to go to the next step. How can I forgive that man? He IS the one who is at fault. If it weren't for him... How can I just let him off the hook? If I'm going to attempt this feat of forgiveness myself, I need to study it:

Samuel 25. David helped Nabal with his sheep and his shepherds. Now he was in need of food and he sends messengers to Nabal asking for help. Nabal says "Who is David? Why should I care if he dies?" and he sends the messengers away. The messengers return and tell David. David is hurt and feels anger towards Nabal. He assembles his soldiers, the boys he was trying to save, and they set out to kill Nabal. One of the messengers tells Abigail, Nabal's wife, the plans to kill her husband. She, without telling Nabal at all, rides out on a donkey to meet David and the army of emotion and soldiers.  She arrives and throws herself down at David's feet and cries, "What Nabal did was wrong and cruel! But pretend it was me who did it instead! Put all your anger for him on me! Now... please forgive me..."

How could David not forgive an innocent soul?

Christ lays Himself at my feet. "What happened was not fair. What the doctor did was wrong and cruel. Pretend it was me who did it instead. I suffered for that sin. I suffered for his neglect, for your pain, for your loss and hurt. I IS ME who took that, it is no longer the doctor's. Put all your anger, your pain and blame on me! Now... please forgive me..."

How can I not forgive an innocent soul, my Savior?

I wonder if the doctor has ANY idea of just what His Savior is doing for him right now, falling at my feet, taking the blame for him. Does he have any clue? Will Christ ever even tell him? Then I think about me. Do I have ANY idea just how many times my Savior has fallen at the feet of someone I hurt and asked them to forgive Him in My behalf. And I go through life not ever knowing just how many times he falls at the feet of others, sorry for what I may do... hurting where I SHOULD hurt. Think of the gift forgiveness is now.

So While this doctor may not deserve to be forgiven. Neither do I. But forgiveness isn't about us anyway. Forgiveness is charity. Charity is Love of Christ. I forgive him because I Love Christ. Maybe then He'll teach me to see Himself in this doctor and I can begin to love the individual he is even if I never trust him again with my loved ones. Even if I never see him again.

I can only forgive THROUGH Christ.

3. But what about Gar, he can't bring her back.

A story from that talk on Sunday (thank you Pres. Welsh): There was a man who rented a house. In the contract, the Landlord agrees to take care of him. The man agrees to the rules of the house. Sometimes the man would mess up. He burned the cookies in the oven filling the house with smoke a time or two. A few times he got angry and punched a hole through the wall. He occasionally forgot to clean and the house got filthy, metal corroded, grime destroyed walls, corners. Spiders and ants invaded the home when he forgot to sweep up the crumbs.

Sometimes the Landlord would teach him how to fix the problems. Sometimes He would let the man figure out how to fix them. But he never charged him for the issues, although He did ask him to resolve the issues. Sometimes though, the man would wake up and find the problems fixed in miraculous ways.

The Landlord had a son though, and he was trouble and the man did not like him too much. The son would often pull pranks and call him names, cause all kinds of trouble. One day, the son, either from carelessness or as a prank, set fire to the shed. The shed got out of hand and the flames were too big to handle. The fire swallowed the house and everything in it.

 

 

The man, enraged went to the Landlord complaining of His son. The Landlord calmly wrapped the man in an embrace and let him weep and heard his cries of anger. He lost everything. Then the Landlord made the man a promise, a deal. "I am the Landlord. I promised that I would take care of you. I will help you clean and organize the remains of your house. I will help you rebuild and I will pay for it all on my son's behalf, for my son does not have sufficient funds to fix what he has done to you. I will give you MY house and all that I have. However, I ask a few things of you. This will all take some time, and I need you to be patient with me and with yourself and your circumstances now. They will not last forever, but it might take a long time. And, I need you to forgive my son."

The man was overwhelmed by the offer to receive the home and all that the Landlord had. He was also saddened at the thought of forgiving the son. He was unsure how to do it. "But, Lord, how can I forgive him. You may be able to give me a new home and new possessions, but what about the heirlooms, photographs, and other significant things? He can't bring those back, neither can you. They are gone forever."

The Landlord, understanding the loss the man must be feeling. "Son, I know it's hard to believe. I know you my not understand, but I can fix that too."

I live in a house owned by that same Landlord. My house was hit by a tornado winter semester. Lightning struck the house and I lost light and power, my foundation flooded and the house seemed to lean on the foundation of others, the glass on my windows are cracked and it is hard to see outside sometimes, and the Landlord's son killed my companion while I trusted him to take care of her and now it is lonely in the house.

Sometimes things happen to our house and there is nothing anyone could do. Sometimes we are the ones who break and destroy things in our house. Sometimes others hurt and destroy.

"Here's the cool thing... The Atonement covers all of it."

A dear friend of mine and I were discussing this topic of forgiveness last fall, before the tornado. He pointed out that forgiveness is a process, not an event. Some days are harder than others. Some days you will forgive the same man that tomorrow you will find harder to forgive for the same injury. It's a process we go through every time we are reminded of the pain. But, the process is a journey worth going on, every time that happens. I keep my end. Be patient, continue to follow the rules, and be patient... and keep forgiving... and keep being patient. Did I mention the patience thing? That's the toughy for me. Anyway, I keep my end...

And He'll keep His:

Like Dr. Adams said... This reunion will happen again... and it will be even better than this video... times, like, a bajillion...