My Inferiority Complex

For those of you that suddenly become self-conscious when you find out what I study, this post should bring you some comfort.

This is my favorite-
"What are you studying?"
Me: Psychology.
"... Oh... So are you like analyzing me right now?"
Me (quickly in a very casual and serious tone): Yes.
- moment of increasingly severe "awkardness" -
Me: I'm just kidding.
"Oh... heh...heh."

:)

As I was reading some Rychlack, 140 pages of him (He's my intellectual grandfather, Dr. Brent Slife's supervisor) , I realized something about me that should put others at ease. We're learning about psychoanalysis this week and I have fallen in love with Alfred Adler's theories of psychoanalysis. I read those 70 pages twice... He allows for agency and talks about neuroses and complexes. It's really just fun, whether I buy into it or not. I really found it intriguing. But the whole time I was thinking, "THAT'S ME!" :) Alfred Adler called me out on all the unconscious tricks I play.

For example:
Sunday, I was being slightly obnoxious with my friend. If he had been under the age of 60, I think they would call it flirting. Anyone that knows me knows that I get along real well with old guys. I tease them and they tease me back. They are some of my most loved friends and often take on the title of "Papa." I like hanging out with them, playing games and other hobbies. I recall the days I would sit in the gym with "The Old Fogie Club" before school everyday in high school. Papa Lampley asked, "Were all your friends in Utah old guys like us, too?" After Ricky objected to being "old", I thought back... Papa Walker, Bro Ivins, Mr. Smith, Mr. Freeman...etc. "yep. pretty much."

Well according to Adler, this would be describing in part, and not entirely conscious, a mild neurosis - a running away from life problems. A mild inferiority complex- stuck on an idea that I am incapable of conquering my own life problems. I develop an attatchment to men so much older to run away from the genuine problems of love and marriage by forming an impossible alternative to the real goals beckoning. I feel inferior in the dating realm. So I try to compensate by having exceptionally fun, and caring relationships with older guys so I don't feel like a complete failure when it comes to the male species. :) (of course this isn't THE reason I have relationships with them, I genuinely love them and count them as friends and mentors, but my attatchment can act as a great excuse if I need it to, and often, I do.)

I always chalked it up to being "an old soul" myself. I still believe that, but I have had incentive for that to be the case as well... Something Adler pointed out to me. By being "an old soul" I have an excuse to run away from my peers. I have a logical reason I can rely on for my sometimes solitary, or socially strange behavior. I changed what is really a deep inferiority and fear and made myself believe it was really only "disinterest" or "not belonging." And I really believed it, I truly believed I was in a completely different peer group. But the truth is, I am very interested, and I can belong... I just have to open the idea that I CAN be enough and CAN belong. As soon as I do that, the deep interest and longing floods over me. It's true, maybe, it's all been a big cover up to save me from my dragons.

The good news: Once insight enters the stage and these "life lies" become realized and conscious, they can change to no longer be neuroses. Yay! The next step in Alder's therapy would be to stop running from what I am really wanting and find out that it's not so scary, or that it is worth it anyway.

So. Boys, I'm trying to stop running. The hard part is learning how to flirt with you the way that I teasingly do with my older "papa" figures... It just seems so wrong to picture you as old men in order to feel comfortable enough to flirt with you. I'm working on that.

And to my peers. I'm sorry I thought I wasn't interested, I'm just afraid of you. I'm afraid I'm not good enough for you, so I convinced myself that it didn't even matter. No more. I'm interested. But you're going to have to help me out a little bit, and I promise to try to let you.

Thank you Alfred Adler for a therapy session from the grave. Also, it's his birthday on the 7th of this month. Happy Birthday.

ANYWAY, in case you are wondering if I am analyzing you? No, I'm suffering from an inferiority complex far too much to worry a lot about you. I'm analyzing myself when I'm with you. Not the other way around. :) But I'm working on it. But, I'll be secure enough to analyze you before we know it... ;)