My Life Is...

Dedication is ... bringing a skirt to school and actually wearing because it is required for administration of a particular psychological study. puting my feet on the floor before 11.

Loss is... not being ready to see her face just yet. Not listening to her to get by one more minute. Holland's Peter.

Love is... finding a way to keep them with you. It is a certain voice reading to you even if only in your head. Telling your story that sticks in my heart. Wrapped up in my brown fuzzy jacket. "We're sisters! Don't betray me! :)"

Anger is... pounding of piano keys. aching eyes. A big lump in your throat. The throbbing pain behind your left knee where you put the words you wanted to scream but didn't. Will ye also leave?

Motherhood is... wanting to be there to hold her while she hurts, but letting her grow anyway. Making her your everything.

Pain is... A snot river down your face. a white blank face. eyes shut tight. fists. hyperventalating. tongue sticking out, unable to look at me. unable to feel Christmas. walking into the terminal, alone. talking about it. The fastest way to turn my brain off.

Loneliness is... Being on the other side of the desk from you. That certain set of tail lights. and "I just got my mission call. I'm leaving..."

Mercy is... an open door that was locked yesterday. a pigeon on your doorstep. a gig that keeps giving. her writing what I needed to hear. a chance to be there.

Joy is... the tracks of little mallard duck feet in the snow. When it finally trusts me enough to eat from my hand.

Cold is... the same nightmare over and over everynight. Waking up and believing it is real every. time.

Warm is... The words you didn't expect him to say. Golden Time. The symbol of a paw print matching the one on your heart, and it isn't missing a toe there. "I'm not going anywhere."

Faith is... throwing that hunk of clay on a spinning plate... again. and again... and again. going to a funeral when you aren't quite ready yet. the testing center.

Fear is... quick footsteps and a leap to my bed after I turn the light off. Moaning Sirens passing by the next street. What doctors have to say. "have you talked to her since her doctor visit?" and "we got the results back" turning the key in the ignition. Watching cars leave the parking lot.

Confidence is... sending that email anyway. an acceptance letter in your inbox. Laughing at your worry. Selling artwork with all its flaws. In front of the class with a marker and chalk.

Thoughtfulness is... a chocolate and vanilla swirl pudding cup in your box because one time you said you liked them, a year ago. A daisy because she said it was her favorite. feeding the ducks who didn't leave for winter and it's too late now. a new food dish with her name on it. Green because she looks so good in working-dog green.

Daughterhood is... wanting to be held. wanting to be strong. calling just to watch the moon with you.

Friendship is... a buddy when I absolutely HAVE to drive. always a hug. a note to tell you that they loved what you had to share with them.

Pride is... "Jilly, I got in." #1 streaking past them all, ball in net, swoosh. "I am called to serve in the.... mission!" "Thank you for the lesson, I never thought of that before. It totally changed everything for me" When the Testing Center results tv screen likes the score next to 72019 enough to say two words and an exclaimation point to you as you leave.

Safety is... a fish bowl on her desk. knowing what she's doing right now. a certain shoe's sound on tile floor. "I'm not going anywhere." playing with that ring. a drawing. picking with James. a rocking chair. Mumification at night. The Wilk. a chin on my neck and paws on my shoulder. watching her chest go up and down and up and down.

Guilt is... "are you going on a mission?" "Oh, well then are you dating someone?" that stupid brown leather chair of helplessness. hiding her in a jacket. that knife in that drawer. Ice cubes. dreams about... that. Wishing I could be elequent and brave and emotionally honest like her. always looking for those tailights. five o'clock. long sleeves when it's warm."doctor, heal thyself."

Jelousy is... watching her sit in MY chair. "I would be proud to have her as a daughter." giving her a paper and asking for her thoughts, when I'm sitting right next to her. books that make a difference.

Beauty is... her squeels and imaginary games. Golden time and all its memories. the color of bubbles. a long hug. the moonlight on the snow. Tears.

Fun is... hiding under a piano. Boo. "try these..." punny. twisting your brain. knowing they will be wonderful characters in the book I will write someday. Climbing over the snow mountain instead of taking the sidewalk. Finding or making the perfect meaningful gift. The overnight phone... heheh...just kidding.

Peace is... a deep breath. feeling arms you forgot were always there. hearing that voice. those kind of songs. that kind of vibration in your chest. memories of the ocean with Cini by my side. the edge of a cliff.

Confusion is... Are you really still here? hearing what I thought was her shift in the night. Seeing Him risen from the dead. Should I stay or should I go? waking up when I didn't know I fell asleep. not knowing if I actually woke up.

Hope is... Everyone faces a time when they need to know that it gets better. Holland. "Don't you quit. You keep walking. You keep trying. There is hope and happiness ahead. Some blessings come soon. Some come late. and some don't come til Heaven. But for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come. Trust God, and believe in good things to come." Chemotherapy. A schedule for next week. questions.

Charity is... honesty. wanting to tell you face to face. believing you are the only person in their world in that moment. Sitting with it with them. Being there. noticing the shape of her face and the colors of her smile for five hours straight in the night.

Life is... precious. hard. beautiful. lonely, relationships, confusing, confident, fun, the facts, the story, unanswered questions, creating, peaceful, chaotic, painful, giving, losing, finding, growing, falling, climbing, seeing, longing, loving, angering, too long, too short, scary, never one thing at a time.

My Life is... worth it anyway...