Compassion

For my Doctrine and Covenants class, we have to do a special project where we pick a doctrine that is important to us and we spend at least 10 hours studying it, then we write a one page paper on it (yeah... try cramming 10 hours of study into one double-spaced page), then we devise an experience or project that allows us to consistently interact with the doctrine we chose, and then we create something tangible to memorialize our experience. We grade ourselves and she ultimately goes with what we say unless she totally disagrees. This is one of those projects where you can get an A and take little away from it or get and A and let it change your life.

Last winter semester, I took a different class from this same wonderful professor and the project requirements were the same. I was doing well just to go to class last winter so, my project was a last minute, inconsistent, throw together that got me an okay grade only because my professor cared enough to know what was going on in my life, and she said I had done the best that I could do, so she added points to the grade I thought I deserved. Bless her. I don't even remember what my project was six months ago, that's how "life-changing" it was, unfortunately.

This time around, I wanted to really make it count. I really wanted to be changed. I wanted to make up for what I couldn't do before. So I really got into it. My topic started out with the broad doctrine of Conversion. As I dove into it, the Spirit guided me to more specific things I needed to work on and feel. Here is my journey and what I did for my experience.

As I tried to think of ways to be more fully converted, one aspect stuck out to me: Part of being fully converted is to desire a relationship with God and to look unto Him in all things. I noticed that I had a major issue with putting the Lord first, especially when it came to my fears. I'd have a tough conversation and worry and worry and worry about all the other people involved and my relationships with them, but I was not concerned or even thinking about my relationship with my Savior. I wanted to work on that.

So I began noticing when I would find myself in those places (worrying about things without seeking a relationship with the Lord), and I would stop and write in my journal about all my worries so I could see them from the outside. Then I would follow a format that was informed by my 10 hours of study and my paper. I would pray, study, forgive, or repent/repair. Then I would watch for the blessings that come from using those converting tools. Then I would commit to what every convert commits to (but a specific action related to the issue at hand), to serve and lead others to Christ, to no more desire to do evil, but to do good continually, and to continue the process. The point of this very structured format was to retrain my brain to deal with tough things differently.

Throughout this process, I learned something even more specific that I needed to do. I needed to connect with compassion before I could find a desire to convert. My heart felt quite left out of the format and was frankly uninterested and even bitter towards the "recipe" I was trying to follow. I learned that without this key "heart" ingredient, the format was not a tool, it was a vice. I needed to feel compassion from Christ. I needed to know that He even cared that I was having a hard time, even if it was only a short awkward conversation that was bothering me. I also needed to show more compassion to myself. But to learn more self-compassion, I needed to learn how from the Master. So I found a way to include this aspect of compassion into my formatted routine, then I was getting my heart involved in what my head was attempting to accomplish.

Since I came to college, I've tried to do this thing that helps me when I'm at my lowest and yet have to get things done or help other people also having a hard time. I imagine myself worn and broken and tired (usually how I am feeling in those moments) and I see my imaginary self fall to my knees and look up to Heaven. Then I feel myself beginning to float upward towards a bright light amidst the darkness, towards the Savior. He just looks at me. We don't say anything, He just looks right to the core of me. If the look He gives could speak words, I imagine they would say, "I know you are hurting, I feel it too. It hurts. And I'm so glad you came here to feel it with me." He holds my face in His hands and just holds me for a few minutes. Then I have to go and do what I need to do, but that feeling of compassion radiating from my Savior sticks and I feel the love still as I return back to the ground and the challenges. I learned recently that a similar exercise is actually used in psychotherapy to teach self-compassion, interestingly enough. It makes a huge difference in the level of hope I feel and the motivation I have to keep going strong. Mostly, it keeps me from being paralyzed by whatever I am dealing with. I just didn't use it very often because it was kind of a worse-case-scenario, used only when there was no one around who could hold me and be that for me. Again, trusting far too much on the arm of flesh OVER my Father in Heaven.

After every journal entry, as part of my study/prayer, I would sit and visualize this scene and try to connect with the compassion it evokes. God speaks right to me through this exercise. It's like packing an emotional lunch. That compassion can last a good chunk of even the hardest days. I learn to be more compassionate to myself and to others by feeling His compassion for me. And suddenly, I crave a relationship with Him first and foremost. Relationships with others are certainly just as important as they were before, but they feel healthier and appropriately important, instead of "all there really is," like it had felt before. Boom, the format became a meaningful journey instead of a to do list.

This project has been going on officially since the first week of October and I have already seen the fruits from this conversion process. Because of a visualization I did to prepare for a late night work shift on a hard day, I had the energy and the sensitivity to the Spirit to prevent a complete stranger from ending her life. I have seen new friends emerge out of no where because I wasn't so afraid of what they think of me...as much. Most of the time I feel my current relationships are mutual and healthy, and not the be-all-end-all. I can sit with hard feelings, AND I can appropriately share them with others to some degree, hopefully without being overwhelming or demanding. I still like to be held, but if it doesn't work out that way, I can still feel God holding me and that is good enough a lot of the time.

I have come a long way, yes?

My final tangible memento is my journal, but I wanted something even more special.

I drew my visualization. I've never drawn faces from scratch before, so it isn't perfect, but yet, it's....Perfect.

It is entitled, "Compassion." His face is meant to say to you, "I know you are hurting. I feel it too. It hurts. And I'm glad you came to me to feel it with you, because I have the power to heal you." I hope you can see the empathy and care in His brow and his eyes. I hope you can see the confidence in his gaze. I hope you can see His love, relief, and gratitude in the slight smile.

There is so much happiness in my life. Maybe some days more or less than others. I laugh a good hour or more a day collectively (especially on Research Lab Meeting days). I don't hurt all the time. I have fun. I enjoy what I do.

AND still

It's okay to hurt. It's okay to reach out. It's okay to heal. It's okay to feel compassion. It's okay to give compassion to yourself through Him. I always knew this and would teach this, but my execution and lived experience of this idea left me wanting. This project has allowed me to really get in there and do it. Now I feel like I can walk the walk (occasionally) almost as well as I can talk the talk. I thank the Lord for inspired teachers, for the Atonement that allows  me to see true empathy in Christ's eyes, and for the power of compassion to change lives, turn hearts, and save souls, even mine. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.