Trust Is Still Very Alive

A new theme in my life has made it's appearance widely known in my life recently. It seems to stare me in the face from all angles. Trust in Relationships.

Now to get real and vulnerable... please don't criticize me in your head. . . which just shows my insecurity right there. I can't even write on my blog without being afraid that my relationships aren't really to be trusted with the vulnerable parts of me. Goodness, I'm ridiculous. ;) Please bear with me.

Okay, here it is. I'm just going to own it. I have an extremely difficult time trusting my relationships. There is a very loud voice in my head that continually tells me. "They don't really care. They're just being nice. They talk about you and your issues behind your back. They secretly wince and feel drained at seeing your name pop up on their e-mail inbox or phone. They may have liked you yesterday, but today they know you better and they realize that you are a needy, immature, attention-seeker."

 Some people's voices are perfectionists like Martha Stewart. Some are like Monk. Some are called E.D. and are obsessed with outward appearances. My voice has a name too, it's Jen.

Now, I am aware that this voice is a voice of fear, not necessarily truth. So, my usual response to this voice is this: "Stop. That's not helping. You, voice, are the reason I am draining, immature, needy, and attention-seeking. How to shut you up? I am a good person. I truly care about people. I am lovable. I am thoughtful. I have purpose. I am a mature adult. I am successful. I am not perfect, but I am good. I am intelligent. I am going places in life. There are people who love me a lot, even though they may get frustrated with me from time to time, they still love me for me, because I'm not so different from them. I am not alone in my weaknesses."

Then the voice comes back again. "How can you be so sure? Have you talked to 'so and so' lately? You don't know how you come across to other people. You aren't their best friend they can't live without, so how can you be sure they really, actually, genuinely like you? Either you are the giver, or they are. You don't know how to have a good mutual relationship, you just think you do sometimes."

Then here's where it has a pretty good point. I have no idea what people are really thinking. I have no idea what they say about me and the way I relate to others when I'm not around. I better check in, just to be sure...So, I imagine conversations like this Studio C clip.  I will own it: inside my head, I am a Whitney in several relationships (not all, just the riskier ones where I have been most vulnerable). (Good thing is, Studio C did a skit on it, I must not be alone. :) )

Then I realize how insecure, immature, and unattractive, and repelling such a conversation is. It pushes people away instead of drawing them in. And besides, I know my voice probably won't be satisfied with even a positive answer, because of that one thing... Trust. That voice doesn't trust anyone. Not even me.

The voice says, "ha ha ha... told you so. Do you see what you're doing? You're doing it right now! Your little fantasy conversations! And when you actually awkwardly have some of them in real life - It is proof. You ARE needy, immature, and attention-seeking. So, if they think that about you, they've got it right. So you better just go it alone, or you'll just get hurt when they say it to your face, that you are too much, too much to care about!"

Okay. So that's the cycle. Just to be clear, this doesn't happen all the time... just quite frequently. And I don't believe it. But you have to understand how real this voice is to me. It's been around in my head since I was 12 or 13 when a woman I adored introduced it to me. You guessed it. Jen. She left it with me as a parting gift as she flat-out told me to my face, never to communicate with her again, because I was "too much" and needed psychological help.

Truth is, I was only 12. I was in distress. She was in an abusive relationship and overwhelmed emotionally. I did not deserve what she did and said, nor how she did it and said it. But the voice sides with this woman.

"She was right."

But, Jen, I didn't see it coming. It was so out of the blue and uncommon and unexpected! 

 

"It was unexpected because you are clueless to the way people perceive you. You can never know when they are lying to you when they say 'I love you.' guns are pointed at your head all around you, and you can't even see it coming, because you must be defective. And it could happen again. You can't trust anyone. You aren't as mature as they are. You will never have a mutual friend. The ones you think are mutual are lies, just like with that woman, Jen, you will find out sooner or later, that it is a lie. You aren't socially right. You are an outcast. And you aren't even aware of the danger all around you. You think those people like you? They are simply being good people, dealing with you appropriately. You think they desire and enjoy spending time with you to talk or to listen? They consider that time a sacrifice."


It's about here that I don't know what to say back. Everything the voice tells me fits well with what happened before. I conclude that the safest way is to just be a giver. No mutual relationships. Because the voice, Jen, is always in the back of my head, telling me that they don't exist, they are just a fuzzy dream that will hurt in the end.


I believe I DO have mutual relationships. But I have no logic to confound the logic of the Jen, "How can you be sure? You've been very wrong before." Relationships are messy. When they get a little messy for me, I freak out, because the voice gets all excited to tell me, "I told ya so."

So, the antidote? Trust.

The relationship I have in mind currently, wondering if it is still real, or if it is just and act, is a relationship that holds so much vulnerability in the past. It would be an enormous loss to find out that it was all fake, that almost 4 years was a lie... I have had a conversation like Whitney's with this person before. I asked, "Do you really care about me? Or is it just your JOB to care?" This person's answer bewildered me for a while. I have since understood it better, hypothetically - still working on the execution.

This person replied, "Only YOU can answer that question." And that's all they said. They didn't say "Of COURSE I do!" like I was hoping to get because this person knew my Jen voice pretty well. This person knew Jen wouldn't believe it next week even if they told the honest truth.

THEN HOW AM I SUPPOSE TO KNOW FOR SURE!? I CAN'T ANSWER THAT QUESTION! ONLY THEY KNOW THE REAL ANSWER! That frustrates me greatly. Because there is only one right answer to the question in all-caps: I'm not supposed to know for sure. I just have to trust people. There are "Jen"s in the world, people not to be trusted, but they are not as prevalent as I fear. And, there are usually warning signs on their foreheads, or tips in the giant wake that follows them. I'm not as blind or oblivious or alone as Jen the voice makes me feel sometimes.

I, Jill, hereby declare that Trust is hard. And Trust is real. And Trust is still very alive for me.

This week,
Trust is choosing to be vulnerable in relationship and finding meaning in the actions that demonstrate that choice.
Trust is writing this post - because I trust I am not alone in this struggle.
Trust is walking in, sitting down, doing my best, then walking out without a hug, handshake, or hearing the words I long to hear most.
Trust is choosing to hear the words that aren't said.
Trust is sitting on the second row, and opening my mouth sometimes.
Trust is getting up and walking on.
Trust is not studying there sometimes.
Trust is shedding a tear or two on her couch.
Trust is telling your boss a fifth grade humor joke.
Trust is being on her schedule because she says she WANTS to spend time with me.
Trust is believing in a less complicated and voice-less Heaven. Amen?
Trust is owning who I am, struggles and all.
Trust is believing that messiness is a sign of genuineness.
Trust is believing that messiness cleans itself up on its own sometimes.
Trust is giving people the benefit of the doubt that they will give me the benefit of the doubt.
Trust is forgiving myself.
Trust is believing that they forgive me.
Trust is believing that He's got it all under control.

Here's to trust - in whatever context it may struggle in!